Suffering both PTSD and anxieties

 The honest truth  

It's going to be hard to begin with, but made me felt all what I'd gone through? All doesn't even really matter.

Well... To those around me that is.

No matter what I did or try to do right? It just won't stop. They won't stop or realize to recognize anything about how I was feeling. As much as I really wanted to talk to them, they can't just keep getting mad by exploded off, brushed me, and putting it off. I felt that I didn't get enough sleep lately, but not really. Anytime a reaction of getting mad from anyone else? I started to become all

jumpy.

Also..?

Shaking.

Tears swell up in my eyes.

Words echoed through me like bullets shot from a gun.

Made me that I made it worst.

I can't think right, help, or do anything right. Only to them.

Being harsh in a voice tone, grabbed my neck and throat; began to feel that I'm been choked.

Shut out with a negative reaction into my life, just by sounding irritated.

So much of the nagging thoughts going through me, it's not going to make them see anything. I felt that I can't cry myself out in person, just bottled up and it made me feel bad, hurt, and never wanted in front of them anymore. Being a person with learning disabilities? They don't believe what have been hurting me, over 3 whole years? Here, there, and everywhere.

Whenever I wanted to cry? I get myself into a safe hiding spot, crying while my sad memories and calming but great good songs helps me crying out from my heart. I don't know if I'm writing this out improved anymore. Lately? I did felt sometime something felt if anything might going on in family, friend, loved one, or anyone I knew? Just later on, I made a huge mistake, when a person got irritated. It was only because I wasn't the only one who's going through a lot of tough times recently.

I began to feel that same symptoms all over again, when a person just got mad when I didn't really mean to. I hardly know what was happen, until I felt I have been feeling like giving up just for a person.. So, that doesn't bother by me to the person anymore, to me deep inside?

"But.. I'm sorry. Uhh, well.. Um, okay, fine. If. That's really.. What you want."

I didn't say it in person, only inside my mind.

Still, the person, and almost everybody? They don't really know that I'm diagnosed with both disorders. Not just only depression I suffered?

I'm diagnosed both PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorders) and anxiety panic attack disorders.

It felt multiple times worst than the time I got bullied in 7th and 8th grade, only in person when I constantly had to hurt myself physically just for bullies! Look, much as the person or a group wanted to be leaders, being responsible, have fame, fortune, popular, or any most of their "wants"? But hurting me in anyway doesn't help me get through the day. Made me felt they never give me a chance to explain or listen what I have to say.

What they do? It hurt me, just like someone or somebody in the group used to encounter? Just as they had hurt a person, and the others in the community. But having confrontation, without conversation? Won't solve anything, ended up leading to a regretful consequence.

I wanted to get help from church counseling, and Ola Hou Clinic therapy? Time get the best of me, while God has some other plans for me. But still having progress of my flashcard videos, to make a story chapters into each part video. I thought it might best to relieve my stress out like a "video-diary".

My own heart praying that I have to make it through, as a song playing: "It is my time" sung by Princess Elena of Alvalor.